Learning to Self-Coach is truly an amazing skill. Everyone can do it, and everyone NEEDS it!
Why do we have problems? Because of how we think. Every action we take or don’t take, every feeling we feel, every result we have in our life, derives from the thoughts we’re focusing on.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
The more aware we are of what we’re thinking (mindful of our mind), the more control we have over our feelings and life. This is clearly illustrated by CTFAR a widely-used thought model (Brooke Castillos model).
Along with an understanding of Emotional Intelligence (will cover this in my next post), the CTFAR model can ultimately change your results by being more aware of your model that you are currently running.
Truth is, many of us call ourselves adults, but most of us are still functioning as emotional children. There is no class in our education system unto which you learn how to become emotionally mature adults. Therefore, if no one has taught you how to control your own thoughts, and take responsibility for your own actions, and thus the results, one can remain in emotional childhood forever… or at the very least fall back into it when feeling under pressure. Even once we are taught, it takes awareness and practice.
It is not something we do on purpose, most of our parents still function as emotional children as well, thus continuing the cycle of non-awareness, buffering, indulgence (i.e. victim or villain) and hiding our emotions.
- Wanting immediate gratification; impatience.
- Rebelling against the very things you want.
- Giving someone else the job of taking care of making you happy when only you can make you happy.
- Saying, “It’s not fair.”
- Playing the victim and saying, “It’s their fault.”
- Being fussy and picky over little things.
- Pouting or giving the silent treatment when you feel wronged.
There is no shame if some of these behaviours show up in your everyday life, the key is to start to notice it. And try to move yourself from emotional childhood (outward focused, i.e. “They did something to make me feel this way”) to emotional adulthood (inward focused, “I am in charge of how I feel.”).
While it can be difficult to take responsibility for our own emotions, it’s also very freeing. If you are responsible for your own emotions, then the words and actions of another person cannot make you feel a certain way.
The CTFR model consists of 5 parts and every single thing that happens in life can fit into one of these 5 areas: circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, or results. The beauty of the CTFAR model is you can start with any area and identify the corresponding emotion, triggers and actions interchangeably.
Let’s explore the CTFAR model…
There are certain things that happen in our lives. Those things are the circumstances or facts of our lives.
They are the objective and unbiased truths of our lives. Everyone would agree that they are what they are.
For example, I have a mum and dad is a circumstance of my life. It’s a fact. I have amazing parents is not a circumstance.
Thoughts are sentences in our head that are not necessarily true. We have between 60-80,000 thoughts a day and we get to choose which thoughts to focus on. We think thoughts about the circumstances of our lives. Often, we think our thoughts are true when they are usually subjective.
For example, take the circumstance that it’s raining. That’s a fact. I may choose to think that it’s going to be a bad day because it’s raining. That’s a thought.
Depending on the thoughts we focus on, we will feel a certain way. Feelings can be described in a single word and are often called emotions. Feelings are physical sensations that we feel in our body. Emotions = energy in motion. We feel what we feel because of the thought we’re thinking.
Using the rain example, if I think: “today will be a bad day because it’s raining”, I may feel discouraged or depressed.
Here is a list of common feelings.
Our feelings lead us to take certain actions in our lives. We either act, re-act, or in-act.
If I think the thought: “Today will be a bad day because it’s raining”, feel discouraged, I may choose to lie on the couch and watch TV instead of doing what I had planned. (in-act).
The actions (or inaction or reaction) I take will lead to a result in my life that always points back to the original thought I chose to focus on.
In this case, me lying on the couch and not doing what I had planned to do leads to the result that today is a bad day and confirms my original thought.
We adults should not underestimate how many of us are on automatic pilot, playing out the programming of our childhood without question. We do what we think we should do, based on what we were told as children, and we have never taken the time now as adults to evaluate whether it still applies or makes sense.
Emotional adulthood is simple but not easy. It requires us to step up to our lives with a level of responsibility that this culture doesn’t usually show. But we’re changing. One person at a time. This is the reason I became a coach because I want everyone to feel this freedom; the choice of power. The freedom of knowing that how you feel is in your control always… The freedom of knowing that nothing anyone does or says can make you feel a certain way. We are not taught this in school and I was not taught this at home. I dedicate my life to teaching this “awake” way of being. I went through many years of my life feeling like I was a victim of my circumstances; of things that had happened to me. I was a victim of my thoughts about what happened and my thoughts about what my life should’ve been like. No longer… not on my watch! I was (and like many of you are experiencing now) not a victim of anything other than my own mismanaged mind.
Life is beautiful. Life isn’t happening to you; life is responding to you. Choose the greatest power you have – Being Awake.
Always here for you – visit: niso.com.au/mindset–wellbeing.html
Much Love xx